


Tim and the Long Furby

by justabitwayward



Series: Archival Squad Hijinks [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Everyone else is concerned, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Other, chaotic tim stoker, podcast script format, sarcastic sasha james, she is alive and well and i will accept no criticisms, tim makes a long furby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:54:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29273556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justabitwayward/pseuds/justabitwayward
Summary: Tim makes a long furby in the Archives.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood & Sasha James & Not-Them Sasha James & Jonathan "Jon" Sims | Archivist & Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims, Sasha James & Tim Stoker, if you squint
Series: Archival Squad Hijinks [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149797
Comments: 20
Kudos: 62





	Tim and the Long Furby

**Author's Note:**

> this is my masterpiece

[CLICK]

TIM

Testing, testing, one two three… ah, who needs that? These things are practically  _ begging _ to listen in. 

[LEANING IN CLOSER, STAGE WHISPERING] You remind me of my mother, you know that? You’re both _criminal_ _eavesdroppers_. 

I doubt you’re the only one listening in right now, anyway—but enough of that. I’m here to document a dramatic change in my life. The package arrived today… 

[SOUNDS OF RIPPING OPEN A BOX, SCUFFLING]

Ah! Perfect… I’m almost tearing up. In my hands I hold the supplies to create my very own Long Furby.

SASHA

[HEARD FROM ACROSS THE ROOM]  What the fuck, Tim. 

TIM

You’re just jealous. 

[SASHA SNORTS]

Anyway, I have here the base of my Long Furby, which is just a smaller furby. Poor guy, doesn’t have enough flesh on him. Not enough bones. Don’t worry, little guy, soon you’ll tower above and rule us all. 

SASHA

What is this, a new denizen of the stranger?

TIM

My new girlfriend, actually.

SASHA

Ah, of course.

TIM

Of course indeed. 

[SHUFFLING]

I got the rest of my supplies at Hobby Lobby: felt, thread, stuffing, superglue, the backbone joints, and incense, which I’ve heard has spiritual properties and will hopefully connect my furby to the spiritual realm. No one wants a soulless furby, after all. 

SASHA   


Dear gods, Tim, no one wants a possessed furby either.

TIM

Actually, I was talking to Rosie about it last week, and she agrees that a furby isn’t complete without a soul.

SASHA

What if your furby ends up being some war criminal and burns down the Archives? 

TIM

Good riddance, I’d say. Also, incense is supposed to dispel negative energy, so it’s more likely to bring me flowers or something. 

SASHA

It  _ would _ be nice to have another Martin around…

TIM

They could be a tag-team duo for brightening people’s days.

[SASHA LAUGHS] 

So, my furby here is a 1998 Classic Furby, because I’m a classic and kids these days have it all wrong. She’s dark blue with a lavender stomach, and her eyes are an enchanting cobalt.

SASHA

You already sound in love. The relationship’s going well, I take it?

TIM

Yeah. We’re planning on eloping next week.

[BOTH LAUGH]

I’ve created a sketch of my intentions with this furby, outlining the anatomy and my plans to alter it. I’m going to lengthen her to be about three feet long, with moth wings, a flower crown, and those little moth antennae. She’s gonna be a beaut. 

[A SHUFFLE OF PAPER]

So first, I need to remove the ears and then the electronic body. 

SASHA

...why? 

TIM

To give the soul some room, of course. 

SASHA

Ah, of course. How foolish of me.

TIM

Indeed, young grasshopper. Now we will start with cutting off the ears, ripping the seams, removing the electric parts, so on and so forth…

[SOUNDS OF RUSTLING AND CRACKING]

Ah, fuck. Let’s hope we don’t need to put this back in or anything.

SASHA

Every day I experience a newfound relief that you aren’t a surgeon.

TIM

Hey! I put batteries in the smoke detector once every two months and  _ this _ is the thanks I get?

SASHA

That would be more impressive if you didn’t have to get Martin’s help every single time. Do you even know what a battery does? Do you know what it looks like?

TIM

I know one well enough to know that it’s a great weapon in the hands of a master.

[A YELP HEARD FROM SASHA, FOLLOWED BY A CLATTERING SOUND]

SASHA

Did you just  _ throw a battery _ at me? 

TIM

Ye-p. Now back to the more important matter at hand: my lovely wife.

SASHA

I thought the marriage was next week?

TIM

We wanted the tax benefits as soon as possible.

SASHA

  
Ah, good to know. Planning on having kids soon?

[CLATTERING IS HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND]

TIM

Of course. The two most beautiful beings on this earth would yield even more beautiful babies. 

[A DOOR CREAKS. THERE IS A LONG PAUSE.]

JON

Tim, what the  _ hell _ are you up to now?

TIM

Making myself a wife.

JON

Wow. Our very own Doctor Frankenstein.

SASHA

Don’t give him any ideas. Especially not ones involving human body parts.

TIM

Maybe I’ll make a human next. Thanks for the idea, Jon! I’ll even make it look like you, if you donate your face.

JON

I quite like where my face is, actually. Thank you anyway.

SASHA

Would you like to join us?

[A MOMENT OF SILENCE]

JON

… I’ve got nothing better to do, I suppose. 

[TIM AND SASHA CHEER. JON HUFFS, BUT IN A PLEASED WAY.]

How do you do it?

SASHA   
  


I just sit and watch him struggle. 

TIM

Hey!

JON

I’ll join you, then.

TIM

Great, another person to snipe at me when I mess up.

SASHA   
  


Aww, you know we love you.

JON

Speak for yourself.

TIM

Ahem! Furby. I’ve removed the innards—

SASHA [TO JON]

The robot parts.

JON

Oh thank heavens, okay. 

TIM

—and I’ve also undone the face to unleash its inner eldritch horror. She’s beautiful inside and out.

SASHA

A fucking nightmare is what she is. 

TIM

If you had issues with our  _ marriage _ , Sasha, you should’ve spoken up at the wedding.

SASHA

I wasn’t even invited to the wedding! And there I was thinking I’d be your best woman.

TIM

You’ll always be best woman in my heart.

JON

How touching. On with it.

TIM

Next we’re sewing more fabric onto the body so she can be slender and beautiful. I’ve chosen a fabric that goes together beautifully with—

SASHA   
  


That clashes  _ horribly _ with—

TIM

—her head. While I do this, could you two construct the backbone with these joints?

JON

...sure, Tim.

TIM

Thanks a bunch.

[RUSTLING]

SASHA

No, you put that part  _ here _ —

JON

It obviously fits here.

SASHA   


No it  _ doesn’t _ , what would you know? Try it, see if it works.

JON

I will, thank you very much.

[A CLATTER, SCUFFLING]

It will fit. I just need to—

[LIGHT CLICKING]

Damn it—

[A CLACK]

SASHA

It’s not going to work, Jon. Put aside your pride and try my suggestion.

JON

Tim, did you order the right pieces?

SASHA

Oh, for—

[SCUFFLING, RUSTLING OF FABRIC AS JON AND SASHA FIGHT OVER THE PIECES]

[THE CREAK OF A DOOR]

MARTIN

Uh, guys…?

SASHA

[SLIGHTLY BREATHLESS] Martin, so good to see you!

JON

[BREATHING HEAVILY] Hello. 

MARTIN

I’m afraid to ask.

TIM

Welcome to the creation ritual of long furby!

MARTIN

You’re not even going to name it?

TIM

Her.

MARTIN

Her, then. She looks like she needs a grandiose name. Something poetic. Bertha—

TIM

Your idea of a poetic name is  _ Bertha _ ?

MARTIN

It’s better than just naming her nothing!

TIM

Nothing is definitely better than  _ Bertha _ , Martin. 

JON

What about Rhiannon? She was a Celtic goddess of the night, and these parts look like you’re trying to make her into a moth of sorts. 

TIM

That’s… actually kinda perfect. Thanks, Jon.

MARTIN

I didn’t know you knew Celtic mythology. 

JON

I read a book on it once. 

MARTIN

Ah.

SASHA

Anyway, wanna help Tim with the sewing? Jon and I have the backbone covered.

MARTIN

Sure thing. 

SASHA [TO JON]

Now are you ready to try my suggestion?

JON

[SIGHS] I suppose.

[A CLICKING SOUND]

SASHA

And it fits.

JON

...Have you built a long furby before?

SASHA   


No, I just have the basic common sense to see that this part fits right here, and not over there like some  _ lunatic _ . 

[JON HUFFS]

[FURTHER RUSTLING AND CLICKING AS THE SQUAD WORKS IN COMFORTABLE SILENCE]

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

TIM

Aaaand she’s finished! Oh, she’s beautiful!

JON

It’s certainly something.

SASHA

Don’t dehumanize his wife, Jon.

MARTIN

Now what?

TIM

Now we get my lovely wife a soul.

MARTIN

...what? 

TIM

Incense. 

[RUSTLING, THE STRIKE OF A MATCH, A STEADY CRACKLING]

I’ll just place it here in her mouth and… perhaps we should do more.

SASHA

[SARCASTICALLY] Maybe if we all sit in a circle and hold hands a spirit will be drawn to the power of our friendship. 

TIM

Brilliant idea, Sasha.

SASHA

I was very obviously being sarcastic.

TIM

Don’t care, let’s hold hands.

[GRUMBLING FROM OTHERS, BUT NO VERBAL DISSENT]

What a beautiful body. Wouldn’t it be a shame if some spirit were to possess it? Oh, what  _ ever _ would I do?

MARTIN

I’m not so sure we want any  _ more _ cursed objects in the Institute. 

JON

Eh, what difference will it make?

MARTIN

I mean, furbies are creepy enough as it is. 

JON

That is true, but I’m also a little curious to see if this will work. 

[WHOOSHING NOISES, CLATTERING]

[GENERAL YELPING]

MARTIN

What IS that?

[CREAKING]

TIM

Shit, it’s moving!

[SCREAMS, RUSTLING, CLATTERING, GENERAL CHAOS. IN THE MIDST OF THIS CHAOS, THE DOOR CREAKS]

ELIAS

What… is going on here?

SASHA

It’s a… it’s—

ELIAS

And what is  _ that _ ?

TIM

Rhiannon.

ELIAS

Oh...kay. I’ll take this. Get back to work.

[CLICK]


End file.
